Monday, January 25, 2010

Take me to your leader...

(Tristan in Hawaii)

We have officially entered a new stage of parenting... Something I would like to call the "Martian stage". My children, (once relatively well mannered, with brains, ears, eyes and mouths that functioned in a semi-normal fashion) have been replaced by aliens from another planet...

I will subsequently refer to them as Martian #1 and Martian #2

A few examples from my weekend...

- Martian #1 is refusing to speak English. He created a "Tristan-ish" which is something like a cross between "Wookie" and Spanish. In order to get him to go to bed tonight, I had to "speak" to him in this foreign language. Apparently, since I am not fluent in this new found dialect, I must have told him to go hide in his closet and play with his Pokemon cards (which he did promptly) while the "Mother Ship" searched the house calling for him.

-Brushing teeth has turned into "see how much toothpaste you can waste without actually brushing your teeth" time. Gelatinous blobs of tooth cleanser can be found on various surfaces in the bathroom, including hair... Also, went in tonight to find a whole tube of brand new toothpaste squeezed into the toilet. When questioned about this endeavour, the Martians stated "The toothpaste needed to use the restroom, so we helped it out." Hummm, I can now be consoled when flushing the toilet that it is indeed "Crest Fresh". Minty.

(Note to all Crest users - Crest does not flush well and requires vigorous scrubbing to remove from porcelain)

-The Martians have forgotten English. This must be the only explanation as to why when they are spoken to, their eyes glaze over and they look as though they are trying to interpret scattered signals from the "Mother ship". Also must be reason as to why they don't do as they are told. (feeling compelled to find Mandarin Chinese dictionary to see if this helps communication)

-Martian #1, (as a result of not understanding English), was about to get a swat, and states clearly "Oh I love your swats Mom, they don't hurt at all!" (Epic fail...)

-Martian #2 has developed a love for all things ballerina. This results in pirouettes and plies throughout the house. Note to all dancers, performing a pirouette with an opened gallon of milk does not bode well for your kitchen floor. Please keep mop handy at all times.

-The Martians must need new memory cards as their old ones seem corrupted. There is a clear disconnect from their hard drive 5 minutes after downloading new and old information. This results in the "Mother ship" crossing wires and frying out after multiple repeated commands. If you smell something burning, don't be too worried, my nerves are fried.

-Taking the Martians to a public place has recently become hazardous to their health, and the health of others. In taking the said Martians to a restaurant, we entered the Bermuda triangle and all manners were lost at sea. In an attempt to retrieve the lost manners, we developed a game at mealtimes. Rules of game - each player receives small pile of coins. The coins are taken as bad manners are displayed. Player with most coins at end of dinner time wins. Martian #2 toots at table loudly (sounds like a machine gun)... Martian #1 responds with burst of laughter and resonant belching. All Martians lose. Mother Ship wins coins, but feels like she lost the battle.

-Martian #2 has decided she loathes sweet potatos. During dinner last night, she made many trips to the restroom. I discovered, after the fact, that she had been spitting all her sweet potatos into the toilet. She forgot to flush... Used evidence to implicate - Martian #2 denied everything and was sent to room.


Life isn't all bad on this new planet...

-Saturday the parental units took the Martians to the Imax to watch Sharks in 3D. Martian #1 held my hand the whole time so that I "wouldn't be scared and jump rope out of my skin. Don't worry Mom, I'll protect you".

-Martian #2 wrote me a letter telling me "You are the pretey mom of all the world and I think you are ass ume (Awesome). I am so happy when your my mom".

-I listened to Martian #1 pray for the people of Haiti during his personal prayer time. His prayer was "Please let them find their houses and family. If they lost their family, help them find new wives to make a new family... And thank you Lord for strong houses in America and In and Out".

-Martian #2 hugged me before bed and sniffed my neck. When I asked what she was doing, she replied - "I'm just "snifting" you. You smell like Christmas to me."

-Both Martians have spontanious abilities to melt their mother's heart, and are really sweet once you can remove yourself from the wackiness. (I wouldn't trade them for anything... not even normal "human beans") These are my martians and I LOVE and ADORE them with all my heart...

All jokes aside - I am realizing that just as I adjust to each new stage of parenting and become acclimated to the course we are on, a new one steps in.

This isn't just a growth process in my children's minds and bodies, it's in me too.

Parenting is hard - really hard (let this stand as good birth control to all those dating couples out there) I'm not even sure I'm ready for it... but I am putting all my chips in this high stakes game, and I plan to win.

I love those little Martians with all my heart and soul and even when my head is spinning and I'm on the edge of insanity, one featherlight touch of a small hand, a toothless smile, a crayola masterpiece smeared with honey and peanut butter brings me back into focus.

I am in it to win and to help them win in life.

Now if I can only get my eye to stop twitching....

Tristan and Madeleine - Fort Lauderdale Beach


  1. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with aliens running around! Love it!

  2. I love, Love, LOVE this post. You're such a great writer. You make me love your little Martians too! ;)

  3. I loved this post! My eye was twitching today too...I think Huck had a lot to do with it! :)

  4. Love this post!!

    Malayna has her own language that she calls "Lapeesee" It is a mix of Spanish & gibberish. : )

    I love those Martians too.

    oh & I adore this new look of your blog! It feels cozy here. :)

  5. Mandy, thanks! I finally found a look that feels like me! So its staying.

  6. Ok, so I have been meaning to comment on your blog for forever!! I love everything that you write! You can just tell that it comes from the heart!

    Seems like just when we think we know and have mastered our kids and the current stage they are in, they become aliens to us! The best part about this, they make for some great stories!

  7. another note - amy said that you are in avondale? you had to be the friend that she was telling me about that was looking for a good pediatrician?!

    we actually lived in avondale for 5 years, we just moved to goodyear a couple of months ago, but if you have gathered anything from az - it is that everything is connected somehow?! so we aren't to far!

    amy raves about you - i would love to meet you, she thinks we would get along great! i swear i am not a psycho stalker lady, i love the blog world and how you get connected to so many new people! just throwing it out there - maybe this summer, when i get to be an 8 week stay at home mama (live for those weeks)!

  8. Oh Janelle, I love and miss you! :( You are too funny and the In n Out comment...classic!

    And I have always told people that if they could use real babies for sex ed, NOBODY would get pregnant! ha.

    I see Jenni found you! I DO think you guys would be great friend, but Jenni, I was talking about someone else who needs a ped. :) hehe....but maybe you do Janelle? Anyway, Jenni, I'm not sure where Janelle is, but I know its close to you, I checked! :)

    And I LOVE the new look! Good job girl! xoxox