Thursday, January 7, 2010
My kiddos started school today... No, this is not abnormal, but it is pretty huge for my little family. When we left Florida we decided to home school for the interim. We chose to enroll them in a wonderful charter school for various reasons, but mostly for the social/extra-curricular aspect.
Lets get back to today... You see, most every day I got to wake up and spend the day with them. Listening to laughter, games, reading aloud, fighting and sometimes the peaceful quiet of "time out".
Today I listened to an empty house, and I about lost it - it was too quiet... so, I went shopping.
While I was pulling up to our local World Market (more about that later) I pulled the keys from the ignition and sat behind the wheel, and cried. I cried about the fact that I wasn't going to have them at home anymore. I cried about the fact that they were getting older. But mostly I cried about the fact that my kids are getting to the point where I am going to have to let go and let them start making their own decisions.
When they were born, I could be assured that they would turn to me for everything. As they got older still, they needed me to hold their hand to help them learn their first steps. I picked out their clothes, I chose who they would hang out with, what they would read, what music they listened to, what video they watched, what they did with their spare time. I could use my mommy skillz to repair a damaged fort, or put together a hard puzzle. I could scare the monsters in the closet and all would be well with the world. In more recent times, I've learned what areas in their character needed building by letting them go on their own and watching from afar.
But most everything was in a controlled zone. I knew what I was doing, what they were doing.
Today, I sat in my car, like a crazy lady who needs Midol, with my head on my steering wheel and bawled. I don't know why really. It might be more about the fact that I feel like a fish out of water without them... Maybe the fact that now that my kids are in school - not with me every moment of the day - that I don't know who I am without them... What do I do now?
I've always said "When my kids are in school, I'll ________(fill in blank)..."
Humm, I'll what?
Go back to school? Go back to work? Train for a marathon? Read all those books on my nightstand? Learn how to build houses? Join a book club? Learn a second language? Polish my current language up? Do all those creative things I've been thinking about for years? Climb Mount Everest? Or maybe more realistically, fold that pile of clean clothes that is looking like Mount Everest?
This is a new stage in my life that I am going to have to learn... and just like my children, when they stood, holding tight to my fingers, for the first time on those chubby, wobbly, little legs and took their first steps, I'm going to have to hold to God's hand while I stand on my chubby legs (maybe I'll join the gym?) and learn this new phase of life.
When I wiped my tears and pulled myself together, I spent $ on our living room (more to come on that topic) and afterwards, drove to pick the kids up from school. The doors open, kids and backpacks and lunchboxes pile in, and the first words out of their mouth? "Mom! We missed you!" *Smile* and then a torrent of chattering and giggles filled me in on their exciting day. *Even bigger smile*
So tomorrow - I may still cry after I drop them off, and never stop praying for them throughout the day, and still feel a little sad when I am needed less and less, but I will always remember that "Mom! We missed you!"
In reading back over this post, I laughed to myself, as this is all happening in my world in the 1st and 2nd grade. What will I be like when they go to college??? =)
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet
(Promise my next post will be less melancholy...)