Monday, February 1, 2010

Thoughts from an occasional Insomniac

I have insomnia...

Well, tonight I do (this is not a normal occurence) normally by 10 pm my body is powering off and I can fall fast asleep on any surface at any given moment.

(Is that called narcolepsy or just mommy exhaustion?)

So for me to be wide awake at 11:48 pm? Unheard of... Especially after such an exhausting weekend.

We had a ladies getaway this weekend for Christ Life Church at The Fairmont Resort in Scottsdale. 
The resort was gorgeous - here's a pic of my room (shared with a fun and lovely friend, Andrea)

(pardon the light - that's an iPhone for you...)

and here's a picture of Pastor Sharon, Tamela, and myself

It was a wham bammo of a weekend - I was on the worship team (we rocked the house! I love good harmony), I played Jezebel and a small boy in a skit (HA!) and was also a small group facilitator. 

I loved this weekend.  It was nice to get away, spend time with a new group of ladies, laugh and soak in the sweetness of God. 

It was just what I needed - a refreshing time away.

I got home to a clean house (Go Hubby!!) and a family that was happy to see me. We ordered pizza and played Monopoly together -which was like taking candy from a baby, as our kids think the highlight of the game is to go "banked-erupted".  We tucked the kids in bed early, spent some time together and I prepared for what I was supposed to do at church in the morning.  

And, now, enter the drama....

4:30 am
My sweet girl comes whimpering into our room complaining of a tummy ache
4:40 am
She vomits repeatedly
5:30 am
Hubby just gets up and starts getting ready for church (he has to be there early today)
6:00 am
Hubby leaves for church/our strong boy comes into our room with a tummy ache
From 6:00 am - now
Both of my poor children are violently ill, I use/wash/use every towel, sheet, blanket in the house

(I wasn't kidding)

My day was spent running room to room with water, ginger ale, fresh linens, Lysol, saltines... 
 I cried when my son would look up at me with big tired eyes and say "Mom, this needs to stop... I'm all empty..." I prayed with them as I held their heads while they were sick, and I cried from a mommy's heart that wants to make it better, but can't...

I started feeling really sorry for myself when I started feeling nauseous too.

Finally, they both fell into a fitful sleep and I laid down (on a bed with no sheets or blankets - they were in the wash) and I tried to get some rest.

And I couldn't...


So, I laid there with my mind racing and my thoughts wandered to my mom. 

My mom passed away from stomach cancer 6 years ago (I was 4 months prego with Maddie). She was diagnosed the week of Mother's Day and passed on June 30.

It was unanticipated, jarring and the most inescapably painful time of my life. 

There is something quite vulnerable about losing your mother.

  During family holidays, there are times where I look up and expect to see her sitting there, not saying too much, but always watching with a smile. When a big change happens in life, I want to call her just to let her share in our excitement or ask for prayer.  When my kids are sick, I just want to hear what she would do for them and listen to a voice of encouragement.

Sometimes, I wish I could call just to know she was there, we wouldn't even have to say anything...

I remember vividly the way she smelled once when I was sick - it was a cross between Bleach/Windex and some random Avon product (Skin-so-Soft, I think).  I can, to this day, remember climbing in her lap (I was about 8) and nestling my head in the crook of her neck while she prayed for me with her cool, soft hand on my forehead.  I can still recall that smell and that feeling of comfort and safety.

It struck me today, while I was laying there

I am providing those memories to my kids.

They might not remember mommy swiping up dirty sheets and rushing to the laundry room, or the bedraggled hair, mismatched pajamas and swollen eyes from lack of sleep...

More than likely, they will remember my smell -Vera Wang (leftover perfume from yesterday) mixed with Lysol, the warmth of my touch on their little faces, and the whispered fervent prayers for their healing and protection.

In this small way, I am passing my Mother on to them...

(Notice the mismatched sheets... )


  1. ok...big big alligator tears. I have no doubts that your mom would be so proud of you. Hang in there! Those poor precious babies! xoxo love you!

  2. this is beautiful. thanks so much for sharing.

  3. You made me cry, as always. Love you. Hope the kids are much better now!

  4. love this....the thoughts of passing on Mommy to my kids.

  5. You made me cry...for your Mom who I knew before you were even born who had her life end so abruptly and prematurely, for you having to go through your adult life with just memories of her and for your lovely children who will never know her. She would have loved watching them grow up and enjoy every stage just like I have. I'll have to work extra hard to be a good Grandma to them since I'm the only one they have...and try my best to be a 2nd Mom to you -- cause I know that no-one can replace your 1st one!

    Love you....