Have you ever heard some really tremdously awful pickup lines? I have...
Now, I'm not vain. I know I am no rare beauty. But I am relatively nice looking, I bathe and comb my hair, I smile a lot and look really young, which must be a giant billboard inviting all the
wierdos schmoozers to talk to me.
Some of the more memorable ones I've heard ...
In Stockton (at the local SCARY Walmart) I was looking at pasta, when a particularly seedy man comes up to me and said (and I quote), "What you looking for baby? I'm right here!"
I blushed (which I am prone to do frequently) and didn't quite get the words out that I wanted to... Like "Honestly? Has that line ever worked for you?" or "You smell like beef and cheese, please stand aside and allow me to continue with the penne pasta." or "Speaking of babies, I have pushed 2 out of my body. Still want to talk to me?"
Instead, I looked blankly at him in befuddled amazement and held up my ring finger not saying a word. He didn't look too worried, just shrugged his shoulders and walked on. (I think he must have had other patrons to terrorize.) I stood there for a moment, grabbed my purse and left my full cart of groceries right in the middle of the aisle.
Another time, in FL, I was getting a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Standing in line in front of me, an older, harmless looking gentleman smiled at me. I smiled back - I was in a great mood - caffeine was coming!
This must have been an open invitation that, of course, I thought he was the most charming man who ever lived. He proceeded to tell me his entire story, beefing up every part that involved himself (so humble) and then said, "I could take care of you, you know. I'd buy you a house, a car, anything you'd like..."
Again, I blushed and thought of several pointed things to say, but instead, I grabbed my chai so quickly that it sloshed out over the side, burning my hand, and I said, "Well, that's nice - I should have let you buy my coffee..." I whirled around and hightailed it out of there, ears burning.
(Looking back, I should've had him buy me 2 venti's after that nonsense)
So keep that all in mind for today's encounter... And the fact that Nate has been out of town for the last few days while I've been home sleeping with every light in the house on and mulling over self defense options if some crazed maniac broke into my house - mace, hand weapons, tazers, Kung-Fu Panda moves, etc. (ok, maybe I am a little paranoid...)
Ran to the store to grab a few items for dinner (delicious lemon chicken soup), pushed my cart around while chatting with my sister.
At the checkout line, the gentleman behind me, who looked familiar, struck up some small talk with me. No big deal. "What strange weather. What do you think about all this rain..." blah blah. Smile. Perfunctory nods. Etc. He acted very familiar with me - whatever. Didn't really notice.
As I grabbed my bags and headed out in the rain, I noticed him looking at me strangely.
My over active imagination immediately went into over drive.I clutched my groceries and made for the door.
I noticed him walking quickly in my direction. He was looking straight at me!!
After a quick inventory of the items in my bags that could be used as self defense weapons, I determined that a lemon and the bunch of celery could be used to cause a distraction while I grabbed my purse to retrieve the manicure scissors in my makeup bag. I could wield these close to the attackers eyes and scream for help. If all else failed, I could take off my nine west flats and hit him repeatedly on the head until he was knocked unconscious.
I made it to my car, in record time, as he was closing in behind me. Not saying anything, just holding his bags and walking towards me persistently.
Looking over my shoulder several times, I knew he was coming closer. Infact, he was trying to say something to me now - no doubt trying to lure me to his car to sell me to the black market.
I shoved everything into my car and was frantically trying to find my keys.
There was knocking on my window - Oh Lord!! It was him!!!
I was just about to jam my keys into the ignition and speed off when I heard his muffled voice come through the window - "You left one of your bags of groceries." I looked in the back seat and counted...
He was holding the bag with the lemons and celery.
And it turns out he lives two houses down from me...
Poor guy - he's probably thinking "There goes the neighborhood."
(Good thing I didn't tell him he smelled like beef and cheese...)