Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I have been extremely distracted as of late.

This morning, I poured my creamer into the sugar bowl instead of my coffee cup.  Standing there, staring at the half and half swimming around in the sugar crystals absentmindedly, I picked up my lukewarm coffee cup and turned around to reheat it. Not paying attention I bumped it and spilled it all over the inside of my clean microwave. Really? Come on. I just scoured the microwave yesterday. Sigh.

One friend so kindly told me that "I need coffee before I have my morning coffee..."

The truth of the matter is this - I am feeling restless. Anxious. Expectant. (No, I am NOT pregnant). I get the sense that I am waiting or that I need to be doing something.  Does that make sense?

Go easy if you dont understand this post or if it offends you. (I don't mean to be offensive, just honest).

Recently, my husband and I made a huge life choice to walk away from a very legalistic lifestyle. A way of life that we had both been raised under since birth. One where your outer appearance and dress made all the difference in how you were percieved by others. A society where you were justified by your works and outer trappings as a perception of your personal salvation. Mindsets, habits, wrong patterns of thinking, deceptive judgements, fear, heapings of guilt, unattainable expectations, religious customs and outdated traditions... 

It has been a lot to come out of.

In fact, there are moments where I literally feel like I am physically grappling with my perception of myself and others. I have lived so long in trying to appease 'man' and prove my worth to the 'mob' that I have totally lost sight of myself and what God desires for me. I am found personally guilty of being too caught up in the attention and awareness of others with motives that do not glorify God, but myself.  

In the past 6 months, since our move (in the absolute right direction for us) I have gone through the fight or flight stage (when we left Florida), the honeymoon stage (when we arrived here), the comatose stage (totally emotionally, spiritually and mentally numb), the funky stage (starting to wake up), and I believe now I am in an awareness stage. God is making me aware of the things in my life that I need to change, habits that need to be broken and judgements that need to be removed and the completeness of His love for me.

It's like teaching an old dog new tricks. It sucks. It's necessary.

This journey has been painstakingly slow. I feel overwhelmed at times by mental battles. I am amazed at the way God has shown His face to me in places I didn't expect. I fight with debilitating fear. I struggle to demolish broken down judgements. My attitude can really be awful sometimes. I am pained when I hear comments from "friends" about their concern for my salvation. I am justified by my faith in a loving Creator. I am a new creature in Christ. I attempt to make my prayers from a true heart, free of rhetoric. My heart is learning to love. I am absolutely more introspective and meloncholy than usual (which isn't all that fun for my blog readers). I desire to be complete in Him.

I know without a shadow of doubt that God has placed us here, in this very situation, for a purpose. These struggles and triumphs are with design.  My old life is gone and a new life comes forth.

So here I sit. Weary, restless - but expectant. I feel God calling me to lay down my presumptions and come to Him. To not get sidetracked with things that are unessential to His purpose. To lift my eyes above my present circumstance of this moment so I can see the destination that He created me for.

2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
Because we know that this extraordinary day is just ahead, we pray for you all the time—pray that our God will make you fit for what He's called you to be, pray that He'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with His own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, He will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving Himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving Himself freely.

Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message)
That's why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn't stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I'd think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for His followers, oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust Him—endless energy, boundless strength!

 ~To all you who read my blog, thank you for enduring this with me (second handedly of course) I seem to fluctuate between these very meloncholy, mind puke posts and then the silly ones. I really feel like God is working on me regarding my Blog and writing period.  I'm getting the strip down and learning to be real with myself and with all of you. My prayer is that these thoughts and the trying process will make me a better writer and hone a gift that God has bestowed me. If you glean anything along the way, then that is an added blessing to me.

Thank you for your love, prayers and time in reading.


  1. Ok, so I realize I'm the first to comment AND I'm a recent addition to your blogging followers! All I have to say is "wow" I love this! :) A lot of us have gone through (are going through) this very same thing as of late and it's so nice to know that someone else out there, on this journey, is also traveling the same road, or similar. Thanks for being real. This was a great, honest (truthful) blog and it was a pleasure reading it. ♥

  2. Echoing Danae...thank you for this blog. I feel ya!!! ...and have been there...and am there. It's a struggle that is sometimes hard to explain, but you said it well :) The battle of un-learning stuff that's been so deeply ingrained in us is a daily struggle, but our past plays a great role in making us who God wants us to be today. Stay strong!

  3. janelle,
    thaddeus and i recently attended a church planting training in january and while i was there i was totally sold on the idea of the "CROSS " being enough for me and my salvation. after all these years of trying and trying to be what people think i should be or look like they thought i should look i GAVE UP. after one of the sessions i was literally stuck in my seat and SOBBING. as i sat there i realized all the ways i had discounted the CROSS and thought that i could on my own earn his love and kindness ( for that i felt like a huge sinner). i sat there for about 30 minutes and i felt a wave of emotions ranging from ANGER to RELIEF. i finally in that moment felt SAVED and RELIEVED that i did not have to prove myself to God or add on extra "STUFF" to the price that he had already paid. i felt the love of God so strongly in that moment and had peace about my life and the path that i am on. that being said the daily battle of "re-learning" is has been a long 3 years for me but i am starting to experience God in a way that I have not before it is so simple and pure. thanks for this blog you put inwords what a lot of people would never dare to say :)

  4. I can reiterate all you have said! Coming out of legalism into grace is about the hardest journey there is. Im so glad you guys are making it. Love you and miss you guys!

  5. you know how I feel. :) love you. xoxo

  6. Great post, thank you for sharing...

  7. Beautiful post. I think so many of us are going through this transition and it is always encouraging to hear others who are doing the same. Sort of gives us little people hope ;)

  8. Janelle,
    I am proud of you. I knew you were going through a transition when we were in Fort Lauderdale last time. I never told you how much it meant that you came and prayed for me. I needed it so badly. I had so much fear on me. Thank you.
    No judgement here. Rick and I made the decision to church on our own. Legalism was bothering us. I still dress the same and everything but some things were bothering us. so I understand where you are coming from. We are deciding if things are man made convictions or God made convictions... Whew. Friend, I couldn't have said any of it better. Your friend earlier was writing about the Cross. Focus on the cross and what he has done and Jesus won't lead you wrong.
    I love you and if you ever need anything please feel free to call us. I can email you the number. Love you so much