Restless

I have been extremely distracted as of late.

This morning, I poured my creamer into the sugar bowl instead of my coffee cup.  Standing there, staring at the half and half swimming around in the sugar crystals absentmindedly, I picked up my lukewarm coffee cup and turned around to reheat it. Not paying attention I bumped it and spilled it all over the inside of my clean microwave. Really? Come on. I just scoured the microwave yesterday. Sigh.

One friend so kindly told me that "I need coffee before I have my morning coffee..."

The truth of the matter is this - I am feeling restless. Anxious. Expectant. (No, I am NOT pregnant). I get the sense that I am waiting or that I need to be doing something.  Does that make sense?

Go easy if you dont understand this post or if it offends you. (I don't mean to be offensive, just honest).

Recently, my husband and I made a huge life choice to walk away from a very legalistic lifestyle. A way of life that we had both been raised under since birth. One where your outer appearance and dress made all the difference in how you were percieved by others. A society where you were justified by your works and outer trappings as a perception of your personal salvation. Mindsets, habits, wrong patterns of thinking, deceptive judgements, fear, heapings of guilt, unattainable expectations, religious customs and outdated traditions... 

It has been a lot to come out of.

In fact, there are moments where I literally feel like I am physically grappling with my perception of myself and others. I have lived so long in trying to appease 'man' and prove my worth to the 'mob' that I have totally lost sight of myself and what God desires for me. I am found personally guilty of being too caught up in the attention and awareness of others with motives that do not glorify God, but myself.  

In the past 6 months, since our move (in the absolute right direction for us) I have gone through the fight or flight stage (when we left Florida), the honeymoon stage (when we arrived here), the comatose stage (totally emotionally, spiritually and mentally numb), the funky stage (starting to wake up), and I believe now I am in an awareness stage. God is making me aware of the things in my life that I need to change, habits that need to be broken and judgements that need to be removed and the completeness of His love for me.

It's like teaching an old dog new tricks. It sucks. It's necessary.

This journey has been painstakingly slow. I feel overwhelmed at times by mental battles. I am amazed at the way God has shown His face to me in places I didn't expect. I fight with debilitating fear. I struggle to demolish broken down judgements. My attitude can really be awful sometimes. I am pained when I hear comments from "friends" about their concern for my salvation. I am justified by my faith in a loving Creator. I am a new creature in Christ. I attempt to make my prayers from a true heart, free of rhetoric. My heart is learning to love. I am absolutely more introspective and meloncholy than usual (which isn't all that fun for my blog readers). I desire to be complete in Him.

I know without a shadow of doubt that God has placed us here, in this very situation, for a purpose. These struggles and triumphs are with design.  My old life is gone and a new life comes forth.

So here I sit. Weary, restless - but expectant. I feel God calling me to lay down my presumptions and come to Him. To not get sidetracked with things that are unessential to His purpose. To lift my eyes above my present circumstance of this moment so I can see the destination that He created me for.

2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

Because we know that this extraordinary day is just ahead, we pray for you all the time—pray that our God will make you fit for what He's called you to be, pray that He'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with His own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, He will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving Himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving Himself freely.

Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message)

That's why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn't stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I'd think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for His followers, oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust Him—endless energy, boundless strength!

 ~To all you who read my blog, thank you for enduring this with me (second handedly of course) I seem to fluctuate between these very meloncholy, mind puke posts and then the silly ones. I really feel like God is working on me regarding my Blog and writing period.  I'm getting the strip down and learning to be real with myself and with all of you. My prayer is that these thoughts and the trying process will make me a better writer and hone a gift that God has bestowed me. If you glean anything along the way, then that is an added blessing to me.

Thank you for your love, prayers and time in reading.
XOXOXO 

Breaking through the Clouds...

I never truly intended my very public blog to be about some private areas of my life. 

In hindsight, it's very freeing. 

Like a therapuetic diary. An internet couch as it were. 

My mind enters my blog and puts its feet up on the chaise lounge and tells all. 

(Are you doodling on a yellow legal pad as you read this and physco-analyzing me?)

It's been openly admitted that I have been in a funk... (that post here)

When I flew to TX to surprise my sister, Kim, it was to support her in a very rough patch of her life, and offer her some respite with sisterly companionship and of course, shopping.

In the end, God spoke very clearly to me.

It started on Wednesday when I woke up at the butt crack of dawn (4 am is not an ideal hour) and scrambled to be on time to board my plane. 

Has it been mentioned that I have an unrealistic imagination? I do... It's true.

I had to force myself to stop watching Jack Baur and 24 due to my penchant for searching out the potential terrorists in every place I went, or mapping out an escape route if there were an international disaster in Target, or memorizing license plate numbers just "incase" they were linked to some great mystery.  

(more about my imagination here)

Each time I fly I experience a mini panic attack.  It's like a cross between claustrophobia, imagination overload and fear of heights.  Normally after take-off I settle in and relax.

I found my seat (loathe American Airlines by the way) noticed the particularly shiny, perfectly round, immaculately bald head seated in front of me, had to restrain myself from rubbing my fingers across the scalp to see if it would squeak. (I'm sure it would!) and buckled in. 

Here's where my journey started. 

We took off, my heart beating like a cornered animal. Uneventful.

About 25 minutes into the flight, we hit some very bad turbulence.

I am an admitted control freak. If I feel like I am losing control, I will grasp at straws and try to pull it all together in a way that I feel comfortable and in control again.

(Are you physco-analyzing again? Stop it!) 

My hand flailed to grab the seat cushion in front of me, (I slapped that shiny, bald head accidently- very nice shave job BTW) and my mind hit overdrive. I was convinced that marching up that aisle, shoving aside any airplane personnel and taking control of that plane would be the best option. It felt like my 7 year old was flying that contraption for goodness sake! 

After one particularly sharp drop down, with my tummy doing loop de loops,

I had an impression - "Do you trust Me?"  Again, "Do you trust Me?"

My mind quieted, and I focused in on that question...  Of course I do... right... ?

On that flight, seats rattling, drinks spilling, passengers cursing and stomachs flipping, my heart was directly spoken to. After a few minutes, I came to the conclusion that "No, I couldn't control the plane, the future, or the past, but I could control my trust and faith in God, right then and there". 

Small realization, big results! It was amazing, the calm that infused me. 

Once landing, seeing my precious sister and being introduced to her newly chaotic life with juvenile diabetes, my heart was spoken to again. Catching a glimpse of Kim, cradling her 5 year old little boy, raising his shirt and piercing that soft, chubby belly with a needle filled with insulin, I saw the picture of a mothers trust in God. Watching my nephew, Jax, puncture his scar flecked tiny fingers to check his blood sugar, I saw the beginning of a lifelong trust in a Creator. Going to church that Sunday, hearing a word about trusting God and realizing His timing is perfect, as is His love for us.

It was simple, true and relevant.

Leaving to the airport, rain pelting the windshield, dark ominous clouds covering the horizon, I briefly wondered if my plane would be on time.

Boarding a tiny, one row plane, looking out a window with rain drops streaming down in rivets, I was quiet. Observant. I saw the dark clouds, eyes flickered over the sooty-black horizon, noticing the relentless rain, inspecting the hunched shoulders of the workers trying futilely to stay warm and dry as they went about their duties.  

Our plane ascended into that murky expanse of sky. For some unknown reason, I was drawn in, my nose pressed up against the cold window, wiping away the fog of my breath, and all the while scouring the horizon.

We went right up through the clouds, bumping, knocking and seemingly struggling against the great pressures of the stratosphere. We headed straight into those dark, obscure puffs. And just when it seemed the plane was going to lose its battle against the odds, something miraculous happened.

We broke through the gloom.

I had to clench my eyes closed from the piercing light that shocked my senses. When my sight adjusted I beheld the most amazing view. (Wish I would have thought to grab a photo, but was too mesmerized).

Looking down below, I saw those desolate clouds, shifting and massing, almost thriving in the shadows, overtaking the land and all the people below it. Layered on top of the somber storm were bursts of light, pure white clouds, an ocean of beauty and peace, incandescent rays piercing the murkiness.

A distinct demarcation between light and darkness.

I cried. Tears streaming down my face. I felt a caressing in my heart, my head lifting up, and shoulders squaring back.

 No one could have perceived the beauty crowning the tempest when we sat, idley, on the soupy runway.

Its been a journey, bumping along, almost blindly at times, losing direction, daunted by surroundings, felled by stormy winds, and defeated by darkness.

But, just above the storm, arms of light reach into obscurity, ready to shine down on upturned faces. 

The "funk" is gone.

Welcome my big Sis!!

After flying in and suprising Kim.

Hello Blog friends!

I mentioned that I had some fun suprises up my sleeve and boy oh boy were they fun! 

I flew last Wednesday to Texas to suprise my older sister, Kim, (I won't say how much older, but she was 15 when I was born).  It's been almost 2 years since we last saw each other and a whole slew of changes have occured since then. In two years I have moved from CA to FL and from FL to AZ, and in her world, her little boy, Jax, was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes.   

Now, some things about my sister...

She is the one who named me (apparantly my mom was trying to appease her 15 year old who was embarrassed that I was coming along??), she has bossed me around my whole life, she refused to take me in the mall when I was younger because she was afraid I would be mistaken for her baby (I have since been to a thereapist about this rejection), she has a great sense of style and is a wonderful decorator, she has been a pillar to me in the hardest times of my life, and I love her ability to laugh (someone likened her laugh to Joan Cusack) even when the world comes crashing down around her.

In short, she is the most amazing person I have ever known....

I was busy while I was in Texas -I convinced her to start her own blog - she is an incredible writer and the depth of emotion that she can evoke when she writes is phenominal!

So! Please welcome to the blog world - my big sister - Kim!

http://kimlmay.blogspot.com/

If you have a few minutes (and some tissue) go check out her blog and show her some love.

And, in closing - I know she will kill me...

BUT!

I snuck a few peeks of her amazing home for you all to look at.

This house embodies most every important memory that I posess and I get the warm fuzzies just looking at it.

Living Room

Keeper (Jax' diabetic alert dog)

Kitchen (she might just kill me... HA!)

(I LOVE these fabric panels and want to recreate this idea one day)

My nephew, Logan (who turned 9), my Dad (who turned 72) and Jax

Sisters - notice the bunny ears...

Logan, Me and Jax

Thanks for looking - I have several real posts coming in the next few days. 

xoxox

Reflecting

This week, my good friend, Amy, wrote about "The Ugly" and then another friend, SoShawna, wrote about "Tears..." both talking about the times in our lives that are hard to talk about and to share with others...

These posts got my already active mind churning.

So...

I'm dedicating this post to my Husband... Nate.

I met my husband when I was a freshman in high school (no, he wasn't my husband yet...) and I told my best friend, Jeni, that I was going to marry him someday.

I did.

Looking back over the last 8 years.

Wow.

It has been a ride.

Like one of those freaky coasters at Six-Flags with the upside down loop de loop that makes you want to pee and throw up at the same time.

Strapped into a small moving vehicle you may experience highs, sharp turns, abrupt, extreme changes, fear, thrills and moments of intense nausea.

(My marriage in a nutshell)

Nathan and I have experienced so much in a short amount of time that sometimes it feels as though our marriage was set on warp speed and we went ahead 40 years.

Babies, diapers, no sleep, poop, immaturity, fears, baggage, cross country moves, emotional affairs, near divorce, reconciliation, loss, pain, fighting, silence, distance, inexperience, selfishness, stubbornness, invisibility, lack of communication, finances, slothfulness, and sometimes just plain stupidity...

Each of those words could be a chapter in the book of my life.

But...

I'm loving the chapter we are in right now.

We've learned to love and laugh.

With God's help, we've made it through some pretty dang tough times and we've had to work through some things that I hope none of you ever have to.

We've seen each others warts, inconsistencies and imperfections in each situation.

He knows I have cellulite (Don't be shocked, I bet you have some too *wink*), he's seen the birth of our two children, he's held my hand in the dark moments, made me laugh like no one can, been my strength and he loves me even though I am an emotional mess sometimes.

Last night, we sat on the couch and watched AI together his arm looped over my waist. N said something to me, I peeked at him over my shoulder laughing at his comment.

In that small moment, my eyes were opened and I saw us.

Friends, lovers, parents and partners.

Working together on the same page.

All the dirt behind us and a future of being stronger ahead of us.

My heart 'bout near stopped it was so full of love.
(I bet he was wondering why I was ogling him with eyes like a tree frog)

We've made it...

Have you ever seen those rowdy teenagers get off the coaster?

Laughing, screaming, slightly green, adrenaline rushing, one puking into a trash can and then turning right around and getting back on line to do it again...

-Well-

I love the rush of my life. I am getting back in line to ride it again.

Loop-de-loop here I come!

Only real men can wear pink... lol

Our sweet family.

xoxoxo