Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dreams, life and other musings

So, I swear my blog does a time warp. 

I sign on, write a post and about 30 years later I sign on and write again. 

Yes, hello, I am now living in a retirement community in Arizona, with blue tinted hair, wearing a visor, velour running suit and driving a golf cart as my main transportation to my bridge and rummy games. 

Nah...  Life just happens sometimes and blogging doesn't. 

For this reason, I am forcing myself to sit down and write before another 30 years passes and my velour running suit has been traded for an open backed hospital gown, a motorized wheelchair, and one of those emergency push button necklaces a'la "I've fallen and I can't get up" style...

I digress.

Where was I?  Ah, yes, I was forcing myself to sit down and write.  Right? (Write?)


It's been an amazing few months.  So many wonderful changes happening in our life. 

Oh.  Wait.  I think I now know why I think of blogging as a daunting task.  If you only write once every 30 years then you have to write an auto-biography. It hurts my brain to find the content to fill 3,003,597 pages to catch everyone up on the current time in my life. 

Consider this the Readers Digest Version of the past 30 years.  (Do you remember your mom reading those?  If I confess to reading them now, does that mean I am like my mother? Lawl...  Help us)

Write. Right. 

Back to the current view of our life. 

Are there things in your life that you've always wanted to pursue?  Dreams that you've had hidden in your heart since you were a wee thing?  Talents that have been gifted to you that you'd like to explore? Have you pursued, dreamt and explored all the options in your life?

Have you?

We took the plunge a year ago and stepped out of our comfort zone - we stopped working for a church.

In the 10 years we've been married, we have always worked for a church/church school, etc in some capacity.  Working for a church was wrapped up in our identity and in our feeble minds tied us to our salvation. After coming to terms with the fact that we may have been pursuing something that wasn't quite our niche, we stepped down from our positions and began living life - just plain old ordinary non ministerial life.

We were lost for a while, high in faith, but lost in action.  What did we do?  How did we serve God in a non "ministry" capacity now? Who were we outside of the church or a church position?  What did God have for us now?

My husband took a job working a field he has always loved with hopes that he would soon advance, and I adjusted to life being plain old me - no titles (not that I ever really had one anyways).  We began searching our hearts and opening areas of thought that we had shut closed or just plain forgotten about.

We adjusted to life not feeling obligated to go to this event, or stay and volunteer at such and such, and, sometimes, we slept in and watched service online, or when our kids were sick didn't make them go and sleep on a back pew while we took care of business.

As the time went by, my husband has found his niche and talent in his job.  He is passionately pursuing and walking through doors that open for him in his line of work.  He is happy.  He is moving forward. He is growing.


I wasn't.

After much despair of not knowing what God wanted from me, I began a season of my life where I felt idle. Like I needed to be doing something. SOMETHING!  But what? Where? Who?  When? I raged at God.  I would fold clothes, feeling completely inadequate and small, and yell at Him through my ceiling. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???" I pleaded with Him in the dark of night, while my husband slept soundly, fulfilled from the path he knew God placed him on. Tears would drip onto my pillow as I mouthed into the darkness, "Who am I? Who am I?" I'd listen to and support my man as he told me excitedly about his day. I would watch my husband go happily to work, and when I shut the front door, would fight resentment that I was left alone and still didn't know who I was outside of the four walls of my domestic domain.

Life finally caught me.  It came on me in the form of my 30th birthday. I woke up one morning feeling like I couldn't breath... Suffocating.  Gasping. Reaching.  Searching.

I gave up.

I asked for help.

I met with a wonderful mentor in my life, talked with a dear friend, and my husband and I met with our Pastor.  I left all the facades of perfection in the car, and for small moments, opened my weak and broken heart and let them see me. A bag of bones, a mind of insecurity and a life of fear.

It saved my life.

Actually, it saved my sanity.

Just being honest about where I was poked a hole in the dark night that threatened to overtake me.  I kept walking towards that pinprick of light and determined to keep jabbing and smashing at the darkness till the light would illuminate more and more of my life. God started to work on me. I stopped trying to be hyper spiritual about things.  I began to accept things as they were, not offering or trying to dive into any lengthy explanation of mumbo jumbo. Life just was.  And it was what I was making it. Or, rather, what I was NOT making it.

One day, the beginning of this year, God moved.  Unexpectedly and suddenly.  And here I stand today. In a better place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally than I have been in a long time.  I'm real. Flesh and bone, smiles and frowns, love and hurts, and it feels good.  I feel present.  I'm aware of my surroundings and I like it.  And, best of all,  I can see a path that God is guiding my feet to, opening doors that He has set in motion for me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know God has placed in each of us dreams, desires and passions that only we can fulfill.  We are each called to use our talents to change our spherical world. Are you using yours?

 If I, of all people, am given an opportunity to pursue something I love, than nothing should stop you from pursuing your place as well.  If I can do it - you can.

What's holding you back? 


  1. You once told me when I was quite young and going through a personal "mini" crisis of my own that if we bottled everything inside, hurt, pain, suffering, feelings. That we would explode, or rather implode. That if we don't ask for help we'll never get it. That advice has stuck with me throughout my entire life. I often remember it when I'm down and even in my relationship with God, when I feel alone. It's worked on me slowly, day by day and has been a part in making me feel like I can take anything that comes my way, like I can breathe. It's also made me realize that I have to listen to myself, and take my own advice. I'm glad you're finding your happiness, you're writing is inspiring.

  2. Janelle - I am so excited for you! Periodically, I have been clicking on your blog link, just to see if possibly you had begun writing again. I was SO glad to see your posts this morning! :) I have enjoyed each and every blog you have written - you have a gift. :) Several months ago, I felt that something was wrong, and I whispered a prayer for you.

    I can identify with what you were feeling and I am thankful that you were able to talk with someone and ask for help! God has given you many talents and I am believing that you will find yourself fulfilled in HIM through these gifts and talents!

    Please don't ever stop being "real" - there are people who need to hear your story.

    Love you!

  3. Your raw honesty is refreshing. LOVE it. And can relate...turning 30 was an eye opening, life changing event for me too. And it just gets better! Love you.